You know, every time I get all excited about a dating prospect, it goes to shit. Mind you, I realize I am not the poster child for relationships. Some people are born to be in a relationship. That's for certain not me. I am too much of an independent thinker, too much of a realist. I find that most people cannot match me in empathy, consideration, and doing unto others. But it's more complex than that. Combine a born personality structure with a environment and there you have it.
I often wonder how I would change what I am doing if more women my age were in my boat. But the facts are, most women with a 5 year old child are married. At my daycare I am the only single parent, for example. Statistically, half of these women will be single in a few years. If this were the case right now, would I even be bothering with trying to find a relationship? If I had more single women frienships, wouldn't I just embrace singledom? There's a lot I love about it, and perhaps I am only seeking more because I've never had it. I know plenty of women who are divorced that say they will never marry again. I also know some women that divorced and jumped right into another relationship, as if they cannot fathom being alone.
What is the happiest way to live? Is there anyone that is truly happy and content with their situation, I mean TRULY. Honest to God, no joke. Many people say they are truly happy because they need to portray that to the outside world and are trying to convince themselves. Generally, I believe that the traditional roles of men and womern have drastically changed on the outside. Women are building careers and are no longer confined to be the caretaker of the home and kids. Have men caught up with the change? I think not, and I don't blame them. I think it will take a generation or two for biology to catch up with the reality. In the meantime, there are many strong, independent women that will struggle to fing a man that is TRULY comfortable with relenting on the traditional roles and enjoy the gifts that such a modern woman can bring to them table.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Let's try this again - Part 1
A couple of people have said to me that I should start a blog. Apparently I have posted an interesting thing or two. My issue with blogging is that writing doesn't come naturally to me. My verbal SATs were about 200 points lower than my math. I do taxes, I love numbers, I do NOT love grammar, spelling, and the like. The blog that I DID start, is pretty much sitting inactive.
However, it would be nice to write shorts about things that cross my mind during the day. I have a friend who leaves me 5 messages at a time rambling about her thoughts, and then I return the favor and do the same. Maybe she doesn't have to be my only audience. I've been told more than once that my life as a single-mother-by-choice is not all that common so could maybe provide some good material.
Alrighty then, what the hell !
So, maybe a good place to start is to discuss why the hell I had a kid by myself. In my 20s, I had a "work husband", and we agreed that if we were both 30 and unmarried, we'd get married to each other. When we hit 30, we were like umm, no friggin way. So I figured I'd never get married and enjoy all the perks that go along with that. Freedom, more money, no hassles. I started to wonder why people get married and have kids, it didn't make sense to me, but I'm sure I was just rationalizing, making sure I didn't desire something I couldn't have. Then one day at age 34, I met someone who will remain nameless (we are Facebook friends and although we are good now, I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate being the subject of my blogging). All of a sudden, the clouds parted and the whole idea of marriage and kids made sense. It probably made too much sense because I believe I scared the shit out of this person with my new outlook on life. When that relationship fell apart, I decided I was so fed up with men and the difficulties I seem to have making a functional relationship work. I don't blame all men, don't get me wrong. I take responsibility for the fact that I am perpetually single (stay tuned for future blog on this subject).
After the end of this relationship I was determined to become a mother. For whatever reason, I wanted it and nothing was going to stop me. Concerned that I was reacting to the breakup, I waited through one more busy tax season, to see if the reality check of my demanding work schedule would scare me away from this crazy idea. After the tax season was over, I still wanted it. I started reaching out to men I knew who may want to be a father, a known donor, so to speak. Although there were a few interested parties, they flaked out. This flaking out made me worry that they'd flake out in some important way in the future, so I decided to go it alone. Completely alone. Using a donor that would never meet his child. Sound selfish? Not if you're confident enough to know that you can provide everything to your child that two parents can. Well, maybe not everything, but I was sure I could provide better parenting and happiness than many traditional families. So began that journey.
To be continued, as I have pretty much reached my writing tolerance threshold.
However, it would be nice to write shorts about things that cross my mind during the day. I have a friend who leaves me 5 messages at a time rambling about her thoughts, and then I return the favor and do the same. Maybe she doesn't have to be my only audience. I've been told more than once that my life as a single-mother-by-choice is not all that common so could maybe provide some good material.
Alrighty then, what the hell !
So, maybe a good place to start is to discuss why the hell I had a kid by myself. In my 20s, I had a "work husband", and we agreed that if we were both 30 and unmarried, we'd get married to each other. When we hit 30, we were like umm, no friggin way. So I figured I'd never get married and enjoy all the perks that go along with that. Freedom, more money, no hassles. I started to wonder why people get married and have kids, it didn't make sense to me, but I'm sure I was just rationalizing, making sure I didn't desire something I couldn't have. Then one day at age 34, I met someone who will remain nameless (we are Facebook friends and although we are good now, I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate being the subject of my blogging). All of a sudden, the clouds parted and the whole idea of marriage and kids made sense. It probably made too much sense because I believe I scared the shit out of this person with my new outlook on life. When that relationship fell apart, I decided I was so fed up with men and the difficulties I seem to have making a functional relationship work. I don't blame all men, don't get me wrong. I take responsibility for the fact that I am perpetually single (stay tuned for future blog on this subject).
After the end of this relationship I was determined to become a mother. For whatever reason, I wanted it and nothing was going to stop me. Concerned that I was reacting to the breakup, I waited through one more busy tax season, to see if the reality check of my demanding work schedule would scare me away from this crazy idea. After the tax season was over, I still wanted it. I started reaching out to men I knew who may want to be a father, a known donor, so to speak. Although there were a few interested parties, they flaked out. This flaking out made me worry that they'd flake out in some important way in the future, so I decided to go it alone. Completely alone. Using a donor that would never meet his child. Sound selfish? Not if you're confident enough to know that you can provide everything to your child that two parents can. Well, maybe not everything, but I was sure I could provide better parenting and happiness than many traditional families. So began that journey.
To be continued, as I have pretty much reached my writing tolerance threshold.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Black and White Thinking
Do you know what I mean when I ask "do you think black and white?" I was once accused of this, and then I thought about it and couldn't disagree. Somewhere along the line I devised a scheme of thinking where my two buckets are "right" and "wrong". I can immediately place a person's words, behavior, or actions into one of these buckets. If too often they enter the "wrong" bucket, they're cut out of my life if at all possible (unfortunately this doesn't work in the workplace, a whole other story). I'm not saying that my buckets are correct and that I am the judge and jury. These buckets are just what works for me and bring me sanity. But make no mistake, these buckets I have created are extremely logical, and I'd challenge anyone that attempts to tell me I think too rigidly.
This same person that accused me of being this way that told me that I should not think this way because there are many grey areas in life. But she is now a miserable human being. This is a woman who saw psychics for years that told her that her live-in boyfriend would change his mind and want kids, and this woman stuck it out with her man believing that this would be the case. This woman is now 52 years old and childless, not something she wanted to be. But she did not think black and white. This woman witnessed me having a child on my own, because I do not believe in psychics and instead believe you have to take charge of your own fate. You cannot rely on ANYONE. Could this be the reason this woman has left my life after 20 years? Again, another story.
My black and white thinking has created much conflict in my life. Family, friends, coworkers, and potential boyfriends have all fallen prey to my convictions. However, one after the other has at some point acknowledged that they believed I was right and I time and time again feel vindicated after periods of doubt. This is indeed a life of conflict, but it is a life I am proud of. I am honest, genuine, straight, moral, considerate, thoughtful, and unselfish. I have never lost myself to defense mechanisms that hurt others. I see the world and all that is in it with the view of realism. I am someone my daughter can be and hopefully will be proud of. For all those that do not see things in black and white, I hope your grey areas do not hurt you or hold you back. Protect yourself, and most of all, protect your innocent children. There are many, many people out there who simply have to many issues of their own to care about you in the way you deserve.
This same person that accused me of being this way that told me that I should not think this way because there are many grey areas in life. But she is now a miserable human being. This is a woman who saw psychics for years that told her that her live-in boyfriend would change his mind and want kids, and this woman stuck it out with her man believing that this would be the case. This woman is now 52 years old and childless, not something she wanted to be. But she did not think black and white. This woman witnessed me having a child on my own, because I do not believe in psychics and instead believe you have to take charge of your own fate. You cannot rely on ANYONE. Could this be the reason this woman has left my life after 20 years? Again, another story.
My black and white thinking has created much conflict in my life. Family, friends, coworkers, and potential boyfriends have all fallen prey to my convictions. However, one after the other has at some point acknowledged that they believed I was right and I time and time again feel vindicated after periods of doubt. This is indeed a life of conflict, but it is a life I am proud of. I am honest, genuine, straight, moral, considerate, thoughtful, and unselfish. I have never lost myself to defense mechanisms that hurt others. I see the world and all that is in it with the view of realism. I am someone my daughter can be and hopefully will be proud of. For all those that do not see things in black and white, I hope your grey areas do not hurt you or hold you back. Protect yourself, and most of all, protect your innocent children. There are many, many people out there who simply have to many issues of their own to care about you in the way you deserve.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
WANTED: Least favorite chore knight in shining armour
Available immediately - Skilled angel that can do my 5 worst nightmare chores that I can't take doing anymore. Pay is equal to what I deem to be the value of my free time....and that's quite high Specific chores are:
1. My laundry. Skills needed are the ability to judge if something is REALLY "dry clean only" or if you can actually sneak a wash once in a while. Also, need to be able to determine if bleach can be used in a load that contains things other than white. Artistic ability is highly desirable. Related tasks include hanging everything to dry that cannot go in the dryer, and then putting the stuff away in precisely the right place that your OCPD boss has decided it should go.
2. Taking the recycles to the curb. This is not as easy as you think. Somehow in this household of one woman and one child we accumulate 100 pounds of recycleable material per week. I have the most on the block as evidenced by comparing their little crates versus my 50 gallon containers. By looking at my pile, you'd think the people involved were a family of 8 where all members are 500 pounds.
3. Emptying the dishwasher. I'm not sure why this task bothers me so much, but I feel like I am in an endless cycle of emptying it only when forced to because the pile in the sink is out of control. Then it is full once again. This need to empty usually occurrs at the worst time, like when I am trying to make dinner but only have 15 minutes to do it.
4. Washing my hair. The sheer time involved in doing this and then drying it has caused me to push the boundaries of hygene. I know the experts say that you should not wash your hair every day, but I don't think they meant once a month.
5. Food shopping. Although it is cute to drag a 4 year old to the supermarket every single time and watch her eat her free slice of cheese, it is NOT fun to yell out her name frantically multiple times because she thinks it's fun to run out of your sight and not come back. It also is not fun when the 4 year old grabs apples and make the whole bin roll onto the floor. It also is not fun to be begged 50 times for a balloon by said 4 year old, to schlep the 20 bags into the car, have them roll all over the trunk on the way home spilling groceries all over the place, and then haul them into the house by making 10 trips to and from the car with the bags handles broken. A bonus will be paid if you can go to the store 2 or 3 times per week so that my fruit and vegetable don't rot by the time I go to use them.
Please call 973-432-3789 for immediate consideration.
1. My laundry. Skills needed are the ability to judge if something is REALLY "dry clean only" or if you can actually sneak a wash once in a while. Also, need to be able to determine if bleach can be used in a load that contains things other than white. Artistic ability is highly desirable. Related tasks include hanging everything to dry that cannot go in the dryer, and then putting the stuff away in precisely the right place that your OCPD boss has decided it should go.
2. Taking the recycles to the curb. This is not as easy as you think. Somehow in this household of one woman and one child we accumulate 100 pounds of recycleable material per week. I have the most on the block as evidenced by comparing their little crates versus my 50 gallon containers. By looking at my pile, you'd think the people involved were a family of 8 where all members are 500 pounds.
3. Emptying the dishwasher. I'm not sure why this task bothers me so much, but I feel like I am in an endless cycle of emptying it only when forced to because the pile in the sink is out of control. Then it is full once again. This need to empty usually occurrs at the worst time, like when I am trying to make dinner but only have 15 minutes to do it.
4. Washing my hair. The sheer time involved in doing this and then drying it has caused me to push the boundaries of hygene. I know the experts say that you should not wash your hair every day, but I don't think they meant once a month.
5. Food shopping. Although it is cute to drag a 4 year old to the supermarket every single time and watch her eat her free slice of cheese, it is NOT fun to yell out her name frantically multiple times because she thinks it's fun to run out of your sight and not come back. It also is not fun when the 4 year old grabs apples and make the whole bin roll onto the floor. It also is not fun to be begged 50 times for a balloon by said 4 year old, to schlep the 20 bags into the car, have them roll all over the trunk on the way home spilling groceries all over the place, and then haul them into the house by making 10 trips to and from the car with the bags handles broken. A bonus will be paid if you can go to the store 2 or 3 times per week so that my fruit and vegetable don't rot by the time I go to use them.
Please call 973-432-3789 for immediate consideration.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Wake up, get myself ready, get daughter ready, drive daughter to daycare, go to work, deal with high maintenence child-like old men and inconsiderate a$$holes all day, letting it bother me because as a hardworking person with morals and knows how to treat other people it infuriates me what other people get away with, rush home to pick up daughter at daycare, make a somewhat nutritious meal for myself and daughter, knock out a chore or two like garbage, recycling, kid baths, pick up toys, cat litter, oh and of course having to be super put together bang out the gym a couple days of the week, water the plants and flowers (why do i even bother with these things?), get house in order (everything's gotta be perfect for this OCPD mom !).
Let's add some softball a couple times a week (can I have some fun thing for myself?), dragging daughter along most times even though I get home at 10 PM, weekends filled with some activity on my bucket list that I think benefits daughter, get togethers with friends, hosting BBQs, planning all trips because nobody in my life does it, daughter's baseball or some other activity, hiring roto rooter, hiring electrician, paying bills, doing laundry hoping daughter stays occupied, take care to get oil change, food shopping (with daughter of course!), dragging daughter to work if I have to go in on a weekend, checking in with lawyers about the expensive lawsuit brewing surrounding the house just bought.
So...at night on a weekend, all I do is want to veg on the couch and watch reality TV and play on the internet. This is the only time I get to myself in peace. No I cannot talk on the phone and I do NOT know how late I'll be up. I cannot have long text conversations and don't expect that I will see every text instantaneously and be able to respond. I get that you had enough money where your ex-wife did not have to work and she did a lot of chores and child care so I get that you have no concept of what it is like to do EVERY SINGLE thing in a household with a child. Please try and appreciate the weekly time I carve out to hang out and pay $60 to sitters every time I try to see you. PLEASE imagine what this is like and LEAVE ME ALONE. It isn't as easy as it may appear to be superwoman, though I may try to make it look that way!
OK, so who wants to go on a date with me...haha.
Let's add some softball a couple times a week (can I have some fun thing for myself?), dragging daughter along most times even though I get home at 10 PM, weekends filled with some activity on my bucket list that I think benefits daughter, get togethers with friends, hosting BBQs, planning all trips because nobody in my life does it, daughter's baseball or some other activity, hiring roto rooter, hiring electrician, paying bills, doing laundry hoping daughter stays occupied, take care to get oil change, food shopping (with daughter of course!), dragging daughter to work if I have to go in on a weekend, checking in with lawyers about the expensive lawsuit brewing surrounding the house just bought.
So...at night on a weekend, all I do is want to veg on the couch and watch reality TV and play on the internet. This is the only time I get to myself in peace. No I cannot talk on the phone and I do NOT know how late I'll be up. I cannot have long text conversations and don't expect that I will see every text instantaneously and be able to respond. I get that you had enough money where your ex-wife did not have to work and she did a lot of chores and child care so I get that you have no concept of what it is like to do EVERY SINGLE thing in a household with a child. Please try and appreciate the weekly time I carve out to hang out and pay $60 to sitters every time I try to see you. PLEASE imagine what this is like and LEAVE ME ALONE. It isn't as easy as it may appear to be superwoman, though I may try to make it look that way!
OK, so who wants to go on a date with me...haha.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Hurricane Irene 7 months later
Eight months ago I took a plunge and bought a house, scared of having to deal with it all on my own, but excited that my daughter and I would have a nice place to live with a beautiful yard, in a town that boasted a pretty good school system. My concerns with buying a house centered around having to take care of the potential work and problems that come with home ownership, all by myself. I already have next to no free time, and the free time I do have is created due to an exhausting organizational scheme that I've put in place but pretty much leaves me in a constant state of anxiety. I really can't handle any more unforeseen issues, so I carefully chose my new home so that any problems would be minimal. New roof, new this, new that, everything new and upgraded, etc.
After an exhausting move (I did all of the packing myself, dealt with the moving day myself, and unpacked myself over the next week), I was thrilled with the choice I made. One month later in comes Hurricane Irene. By Sunday morning after the Hurricane I was relieved to see that I had no flooding in my basement, our neighborhood hadn't lost power, and I seemed to have suffered no harm. However, I did hear that the rivers nearby were expected to rise and cause flooding across the street from me, so I decided to stay home from work Monday to be 100% certain I was out of the woods. On Monday many of my neighbors were around as well and I met many of them for the first time. We joked about how this was quite a way to welcome me into the neighborhood. I stored some of my neighbors things in my garage and they set me up with a generator just in case we lost power (I have sump pumps). Around 11 AM, I noticed that my basement was starting to get wet and the source was the toilet in the bathroom down there. It didn't really dawn on me that this was a major problem, so I simply went out to home depot to by some cleaning supplies. By the time I came back, this toilet was pumping out water so fast that it was flooding my basement. Soon I started to notice that this wasn't simply water, but also had some nice chunks of God-knows-what mixed in as well. Now in a panic I called my father and he called the town's water and sewer department. By the time they came, there was already a few inches of water in my basement and they couldn't seem to stop it. Finally, they were able to plug up the toilet and the pressure from the sewer system subsided. I kind of broke down at that moment, I was so in shock.
I had no idea the hell I would go through over the next two months. Still recovering from my move, I now had to deal with endless clean up and contractors most of which either showed up but never gave me an estimate, or didn't even show up at all. In the meantime, I also began researching this incident and filed a claim against the town. The sewer system is not supposed to discharge back into a home like this, but this appears to be more common now that so many houses are connected to these older lines. Since the basement was now gutted, I could also see an underlying problem with the house's drain and sump pump system that appeared to be long standing. My cleaning woman, who happened to be the cleaning woman for the people that owned the house before me, casually mentioned that the previous owners installed one of my sump pumps in response to some water penetration that had. WHAT??? My heart sank....these people that sold me the house claimed they never had water problems and never disclosed this fact. I then began a crusade to figure out what else, if anything, they lied about that put me in my current predicament. In the meantime I confronted the previous owners about what I discovered, and they denied it, basically calling the cleaning woman a liar. When I spoke to the cleaning woman again, she was all upset about being caught in the middle, and denied she ever told me about the water issue. Disgusted that she was lying to me now, I told her to go f#$% herself and couldn't believe someone can lie like that to avoid "getting involved".
After doing some more painstakingly lengthy and tiring research, I discovered that the sellers of my home indeed told me a second lie. They are the ones that installed the basement bath, and they did so without permits. I got a friend to send me the listing of the house from 10 years ago when they bought it, and lo and behold that bathroom was not listed. I then nervously called the man that sold them the house 10 years ago and he was more than willing to confirm that there was no bathroom in the basement when he sold the house to the people that sold it to me. Oh my God, I could not believe this! I then starting researching the plumbing codes and standards that my town follows. The bottom line is that a legally built bathroom will have a device on it that prevents what happened to me. After some more hard work and headaches and found a lawyer here in NJ, as well as one in Florida (where the sellers of my home now live), that is going to fight my case.
This case could cost me $40,000 in legal fees, so even if I win the $50,000 this is pretty much a wash and I cannot refinish my basement and recover the lost property. The worst case scenario is that I somehow lose and not only am I out the $50,000 in damages, but another $40,000 in legal fees. Some people have warned me that it may not be worth it and I should just suck it up and move on. Are you frigging kidding me?? I am not the type of person that can allow my self to be wronged by some lying scum bags and let them get away with it. I am no doormat. These people will pay for what they've done. At the very least they will go through hell and spend their own money to attempt to defend themselves. I'd rather be out the money than to go through life wondering "what if I only stood up for myself and for what's right". Folks, it takes a lot of hard work to get what you deserve sometimes, and we all go through challenges at one time or another. In the end, you will be stronger for it and that's worth a lot. My takeaway from this mess is that I really believe there is nothing I can't face, and at the end of the day I believe God will ensure that the right outcome prevails. Wish me luck !!
After an exhausting move (I did all of the packing myself, dealt with the moving day myself, and unpacked myself over the next week), I was thrilled with the choice I made. One month later in comes Hurricane Irene. By Sunday morning after the Hurricane I was relieved to see that I had no flooding in my basement, our neighborhood hadn't lost power, and I seemed to have suffered no harm. However, I did hear that the rivers nearby were expected to rise and cause flooding across the street from me, so I decided to stay home from work Monday to be 100% certain I was out of the woods. On Monday many of my neighbors were around as well and I met many of them for the first time. We joked about how this was quite a way to welcome me into the neighborhood. I stored some of my neighbors things in my garage and they set me up with a generator just in case we lost power (I have sump pumps). Around 11 AM, I noticed that my basement was starting to get wet and the source was the toilet in the bathroom down there. It didn't really dawn on me that this was a major problem, so I simply went out to home depot to by some cleaning supplies. By the time I came back, this toilet was pumping out water so fast that it was flooding my basement. Soon I started to notice that this wasn't simply water, but also had some nice chunks of God-knows-what mixed in as well. Now in a panic I called my father and he called the town's water and sewer department. By the time they came, there was already a few inches of water in my basement and they couldn't seem to stop it. Finally, they were able to plug up the toilet and the pressure from the sewer system subsided. I kind of broke down at that moment, I was so in shock.
I had no idea the hell I would go through over the next two months. Still recovering from my move, I now had to deal with endless clean up and contractors most of which either showed up but never gave me an estimate, or didn't even show up at all. In the meantime, I also began researching this incident and filed a claim against the town. The sewer system is not supposed to discharge back into a home like this, but this appears to be more common now that so many houses are connected to these older lines. Since the basement was now gutted, I could also see an underlying problem with the house's drain and sump pump system that appeared to be long standing. My cleaning woman, who happened to be the cleaning woman for the people that owned the house before me, casually mentioned that the previous owners installed one of my sump pumps in response to some water penetration that had. WHAT??? My heart sank....these people that sold me the house claimed they never had water problems and never disclosed this fact. I then began a crusade to figure out what else, if anything, they lied about that put me in my current predicament. In the meantime I confronted the previous owners about what I discovered, and they denied it, basically calling the cleaning woman a liar. When I spoke to the cleaning woman again, she was all upset about being caught in the middle, and denied she ever told me about the water issue. Disgusted that she was lying to me now, I told her to go f#$% herself and couldn't believe someone can lie like that to avoid "getting involved".
After doing some more painstakingly lengthy and tiring research, I discovered that the sellers of my home indeed told me a second lie. They are the ones that installed the basement bath, and they did so without permits. I got a friend to send me the listing of the house from 10 years ago when they bought it, and lo and behold that bathroom was not listed. I then nervously called the man that sold them the house 10 years ago and he was more than willing to confirm that there was no bathroom in the basement when he sold the house to the people that sold it to me. Oh my God, I could not believe this! I then starting researching the plumbing codes and standards that my town follows. The bottom line is that a legally built bathroom will have a device on it that prevents what happened to me. After some more hard work and headaches and found a lawyer here in NJ, as well as one in Florida (where the sellers of my home now live), that is going to fight my case.
This case could cost me $40,000 in legal fees, so even if I win the $50,000 this is pretty much a wash and I cannot refinish my basement and recover the lost property. The worst case scenario is that I somehow lose and not only am I out the $50,000 in damages, but another $40,000 in legal fees. Some people have warned me that it may not be worth it and I should just suck it up and move on. Are you frigging kidding me?? I am not the type of person that can allow my self to be wronged by some lying scum bags and let them get away with it. I am no doormat. These people will pay for what they've done. At the very least they will go through hell and spend their own money to attempt to defend themselves. I'd rather be out the money than to go through life wondering "what if I only stood up for myself and for what's right". Folks, it takes a lot of hard work to get what you deserve sometimes, and we all go through challenges at one time or another. In the end, you will be stronger for it and that's worth a lot. My takeaway from this mess is that I really believe there is nothing I can't face, and at the end of the day I believe God will ensure that the right outcome prevails. Wish me luck !!
Monday, January 23, 2012
Kelsey's Introduction to the Death of Loved One
My daughter's grandmother died and I didn't know how to tell her. As a three (almost four) year old, I figured she will likely not understand it, but what if she did understand but was too young to handle it? I had to say something, however; she witnessed me have a breakdown when I heard the shocking news from my father, and I needed to explain it.
I tested the waters using a recently watched Disney movie. "Kelsey, remember what happened to Simba's daddy when we watched The Lion King?" She nodded her head, indicating that she remembered. "What do we call that?" Kelsey then says "He died, right?" I said "Yes, he died and went to Heaven. Even though it's sad and Simba misses him, his daddy is happy in Heaven. It's really nice there. That's what happened to Grandma Kelsey, she died and went to Heaven." She just looks at me and I can't tell at all what she's thinking or feeling. I continue... "That's why I was upset before, because I was sad. But now I'm OK because even though I'll miss her I know she's happy in Heaven." Kelsey then decided she wanted to go back to watching TV and playing. OK, I figured, that's enough for now.
The next day I asked the daycare teachers if Kelsey was acting different in any way. The teachers said she was totally the same, completely fine. Then over the next few days I would casually bring up her Grandma, and Kelsey would say things like "Grandma's in Heaven, right? When's she coming back". I explained that when people go to Heaven, they stay there forever, they're not going to come back. She seemed fine with that, but was she really fine? I had mixed feelings when I caught her role playing with her stuffed animals. I saw that Mr. Bear informed Little Piggy that Mrs. Bunny was in Heaven. It was adorable, but slightly disturbing.
The next thing I had to decide with respect to Kelsey, was the degree of her involvement in her grandmother's funeral proceedings. I didn't want her to get scared or upset by attending, but I also didn't want to exclude her and be resentful someday. I mentioned the funeral throughout the week, telling her we were having a "celebration for grandma" where we would "get to say goodbye to her". I asked her a bunch of times if she wanted to come. She always said "yes". So it was decided. I made a poster photo collage using a bunch of pictures of Kelsey and her Grandma, and let Kelsey draw whatever she thought Grandma would like on it. When we were done, I told her that Grandma will love it and we will bring it to the "celebration" to show everyone.
At this point I figured it would not be good for Kelsey to view her Grandma's body, thinking it would be confusing for her since I told her Grandma is in Heaven. I was worried she would think it was a ghost or a monster, things she often brought up these days. I planned to just keep her out of the room with the casket the whole time. Another thing we talked about during the week before the funeral, was what she would miss about Grandma. At first she was not cooperative with this game, but then I kicked it off by saying "I bet you'll miss her homemade soup!". She continued to want no part of playing this game.
On the day of the wake, Kelsey was extremely social and happy despite the fact that there were an enormous amount of people coming and going that she's never seen before. Normally in a setting like that she'd get clingy and shy. She was running around all over the place, but the funeral home was so crowded that I didn't have to worry about her going near the casket. That is, until the end when everyone but the family left. I caught her running into the room was the casket. I wasn't sure if she saw her Grandma or not, but I decided in that moment that it would be OK for her to see her Grandma. She was surrounded by loved ones, she was safe, and she was happy. I asked her if she would like to say goodbye to Grandma like everyone else did, and she said "Yeah!..and I want to show Grandma our poster". So we get the poster photo collage that we made and went over to the casket. I tell her that Grandma is getting ready to go to Heaven now, she's happy and it's OK. She shows Grandma the poster, and she says " I'll miss you Grandma, I love you Grandma", and finally " I'll miss your homemade soup". I melted, and more importantly I knew that she'd be OK. I'm not sure she'll remember any of it, but I think deep down somewhere she will benefit from being able to say goodbye to her grandma just like everyone else in the family was able to.
I hope this may help someone that has a child who may lose a loved one someday. Plan, go with your instincts, but be open minded enough to know that what you may have thought was the right thing to do one moment, may change the next. Hopefully you're lucky enough to have a family that supports you in whatever decision you make and lets you make it in peace. I certainly had that support.
I tested the waters using a recently watched Disney movie. "Kelsey, remember what happened to Simba's daddy when we watched The Lion King?" She nodded her head, indicating that she remembered. "What do we call that?" Kelsey then says "He died, right?" I said "Yes, he died and went to Heaven. Even though it's sad and Simba misses him, his daddy is happy in Heaven. It's really nice there. That's what happened to Grandma Kelsey, she died and went to Heaven." She just looks at me and I can't tell at all what she's thinking or feeling. I continue... "That's why I was upset before, because I was sad. But now I'm OK because even though I'll miss her I know she's happy in Heaven." Kelsey then decided she wanted to go back to watching TV and playing. OK, I figured, that's enough for now.
The next day I asked the daycare teachers if Kelsey was acting different in any way. The teachers said she was totally the same, completely fine. Then over the next few days I would casually bring up her Grandma, and Kelsey would say things like "Grandma's in Heaven, right? When's she coming back". I explained that when people go to Heaven, they stay there forever, they're not going to come back. She seemed fine with that, but was she really fine? I had mixed feelings when I caught her role playing with her stuffed animals. I saw that Mr. Bear informed Little Piggy that Mrs. Bunny was in Heaven. It was adorable, but slightly disturbing.
The next thing I had to decide with respect to Kelsey, was the degree of her involvement in her grandmother's funeral proceedings. I didn't want her to get scared or upset by attending, but I also didn't want to exclude her and be resentful someday. I mentioned the funeral throughout the week, telling her we were having a "celebration for grandma" where we would "get to say goodbye to her". I asked her a bunch of times if she wanted to come. She always said "yes". So it was decided. I made a poster photo collage using a bunch of pictures of Kelsey and her Grandma, and let Kelsey draw whatever she thought Grandma would like on it. When we were done, I told her that Grandma will love it and we will bring it to the "celebration" to show everyone.
At this point I figured it would not be good for Kelsey to view her Grandma's body, thinking it would be confusing for her since I told her Grandma is in Heaven. I was worried she would think it was a ghost or a monster, things she often brought up these days. I planned to just keep her out of the room with the casket the whole time. Another thing we talked about during the week before the funeral, was what she would miss about Grandma. At first she was not cooperative with this game, but then I kicked it off by saying "I bet you'll miss her homemade soup!". She continued to want no part of playing this game.
On the day of the wake, Kelsey was extremely social and happy despite the fact that there were an enormous amount of people coming and going that she's never seen before. Normally in a setting like that she'd get clingy and shy. She was running around all over the place, but the funeral home was so crowded that I didn't have to worry about her going near the casket. That is, until the end when everyone but the family left. I caught her running into the room was the casket. I wasn't sure if she saw her Grandma or not, but I decided in that moment that it would be OK for her to see her Grandma. She was surrounded by loved ones, she was safe, and she was happy. I asked her if she would like to say goodbye to Grandma like everyone else did, and she said "Yeah!..and I want to show Grandma our poster". So we get the poster photo collage that we made and went over to the casket. I tell her that Grandma is getting ready to go to Heaven now, she's happy and it's OK. She shows Grandma the poster, and she says " I'll miss you Grandma, I love you Grandma", and finally " I'll miss your homemade soup". I melted, and more importantly I knew that she'd be OK. I'm not sure she'll remember any of it, but I think deep down somewhere she will benefit from being able to say goodbye to her grandma just like everyone else in the family was able to.
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