Kelsey's Introduction to the Death of Loved One

My daughter's grandmother died and I didn't know how to tell her.  As a three (almost four) year old, I figured she will likely not understand it, but what if she did understand but was too young to handle it?  I had to say something, however; she witnessed me have a breakdown when I heard the shocking news from my father, and I needed to explain it.  

I tested the waters using a recently watched Disney movie.  "Kelsey, remember what happened to Simba's daddy when we watched The Lion King?"  She nodded her head, indicating that she remembered.  "What do we call that?"  Kelsey then says "He died, right?"  I said "Yes, he died and went to Heaven.  Even though it's sad and Simba misses him, his daddy is happy in Heaven.  It's really nice there.  That's what happened to Grandma Kelsey, she died and went to Heaven."  She just looks at me and I can't tell at all what she's thinking or feeling.  I continue... "That's why I was upset before, because I was sad.  But now I'm OK because even though I'll miss her I know she's happy in Heaven."  Kelsey then decided she wanted to go back to watching TV and playing.  OK, I figured, that's enough for now.

The next day I asked the daycare teachers if Kelsey was acting different in any way.  The teachers said she was totally the same, completely fine.  Then over the next few days I would casually bring up her Grandma, and Kelsey would say things like "Grandma's in Heaven, right?  When's she coming back".  I explained that when people go to Heaven, they stay there forever, they're not going to come back.  She seemed fine with that, but was she really fine?  I had mixed feelings when I caught her role playing with her stuffed animals.  I saw that Mr. Bear informed Little Piggy that Mrs. Bunny was in Heaven.  It was adorable, but slightly disturbing.

The next thing I had to decide with respect to Kelsey, was the degree of her involvement in her grandmother's funeral proceedings.    I didn't want her to get scared or upset by attending, but I also didn't want to exclude her and be resentful someday.  I mentioned the funeral throughout the week, telling her we were having a "celebration for grandma" where we would "get to say goodbye to her".  I asked her a bunch of times if she wanted to come.  She always said "yes".  So it was decided.  I made a poster photo collage using a bunch of pictures of Kelsey and her Grandma, and let Kelsey draw whatever she thought Grandma would like on it.  When we were done, I told her that Grandma will love it and we will bring it to the "celebration" to show everyone. 

At this point I figured it would not be good for Kelsey to view her Grandma's body, thinking it would be confusing for her since I told her Grandma is in Heaven.  I was worried she would think it was a ghost or a monster, things she often brought up these days.  I planned to just keep her out of the room with the casket the whole time.  Another thing we talked about during the week before the funeral, was what she would miss about Grandma.  At first she was not cooperative with this game, but then I kicked it off by saying "I bet you'll miss her homemade soup!".  She continued to want no part of playing this game.

On the day of the wake, Kelsey was extremely social and happy despite the fact that there were an enormous amount of people coming and going that she's never seen before.  Normally in a setting like that she'd get clingy and shy.  She was running around all over the place, but the funeral home was so crowded that I didn't have to worry about her going near the casket.  That is, until the end when everyone but the family left.  I caught her running into the room was the casket.  I wasn't sure if she saw her Grandma or not, but I decided in that moment that it would  be OK for her to see her Grandma.  She was surrounded by loved ones, she was safe, and she was happy.  I asked her if she would like to say goodbye to Grandma like everyone else did, and she said "Yeah!..and I want to show Grandma our poster".  So we get the poster photo collage that we made and went over to the casket.  I tell her that Grandma is getting ready to go to Heaven now, she's happy and it's OK.  She shows Grandma the poster, and she says " I'll miss you Grandma, I love you Grandma", and finally " I'll miss your homemade soup".  I melted, and more importantly I knew that she'd be OK.  I'm not sure she'll remember any of it, but I think deep down somewhere she will benefit from being able to say goodbye to her grandma just like everyone else in the family was able to.   

I hope this may help someone that has a child who may lose a loved one someday.    Plan, go with your instincts, but be open minded enough to know that what you may have thought was the right thing to do one moment, may change the next.  Hopefully you're lucky enough to have a family that supports you in whatever decision you make and lets you make it in peace.  I certainly had that support.